hold · my · hand

is on tv. i have never watched so much tv in my life until the past 2 weeks. I'm living with my co-worker jen, who uses the tv as an alarm clock, something to fall asleep too and for everything else in between. i'm terrified that i may be actually enjoying some shows and will want to watch tv when i move into my own apartment. For example who knew that i would become addicted to a reality show about poor folks and rich folks living together in house together. oh the irony.

so anyway, here i am living in jung-ja, a subway stop far away from the nite life and fun times that seoul has to offer. It's easy to get into seoul but hard to get out of it since the subway ends at midnight. But maybe being stuck out here will be beneficial and offer me a different type of experience - one all about me. I guess i'm feeling a bit lonely, but not so much yet as everything is still super new and i am quite busy most of the time. I have met a bunch of people here who are really super nice, but in all honesty we would never be friends if it hadn't been for the situation.

School is SOOO HARD. i think i need to repeat that. TEACHING IS SO HARD, especially when it is to shitty little shitheads who just want to punch you in the stomach. I had 3 kids cry on me today, and all i could say was "no tears in my classroom". You gotta be tuff! and i am sooo not tuff enough. They think that i am silly and crazy and they are sooo not scared of me. Soooo they just walk all over me. Tuesday and Thursday are great teaching days though and it really is only 3 half hour classes on mon/wed/fri that make me want to run away, so i guess i shouldn't complain!


I am going to thailand in 6 weeks! i am SOO excited!!! that also means that in 6 weeks i will have jeff to crawl into bed with and have him scratch my back. I miss that soo much. mushymushyness.

god speed

So i'm not off to the land of kim chi just yet. I have to wait until next friday to fly, fly away.
I had a little mini scream inside my head fest when i found out (sorry j.), it's just that i really really want to go and I want to go NOW! no more of this waiting around shit. I'm not able to wait around. I'm not able to do nothing....and it's not that i'm complaining, it just really is the first time EVER that I have been job-less with nothing to do but just hang out all day.

If people want to hang out and lunch dates etc etc with me i am SO available.
(leigh-anne do we have a date tomorrow????)

i got caught in the rain today on my way home from the gym (ohhh how sad i will be to leave my little love nest that is the West End Y)and i sang in the rain and it was love.

lover

i image googled my name, this is what i found...

and

it hasn't turned out to be the worst week ever (but then again it still only is wednesday). korean lessons make my brain hurt. i have lost the ability to sit in a classroom setting for 2 hours straight. actually, now i'm wondering if i ever had it. I am strangely familiar with ADD.

I started trying to pack. this is a disaster. I am only allowed (by myself) to retain 3 boxes of stuff and one bag of clothes. this is a disaster. my plan is to sort through it all, throw shit out, and then have a room sale. or a room free for all. or a big garbage pile outside my front door.

hollar.

I feel like i'm getting ready to have the worst week of my life.

Yesterday while biking home from the gym I break the pedal off my bike and come crashing down
on College street. I'm a little shaken and tearful as I pull myself out from underneath my bike (as the streetcar sails by), and then I look across the street to see...oh yes..it could only be...the one and only exboyf that I can't get out of my head for a million and one reasons and then the tears start to run and they are just drip drip dripping from my chin.

oh the sadness.

then today I had a hissy fit at work. I was about to leave. I only have 4 more shifts left there. THANK FUCK.

let's see what happens tomorrow....

My salmonella bout is over! yay! I'm 100% better and feeling fantastic, I'm able to go to the gym again. This makes me happy. Nothing makes me more happy than jumping up and down to bad music with 10 ladies at the Y.

I feel better about everything lately, I've rid myself of any leftover emotions (well cept for hate) from the bradley episode. I've found myself in bed with another boy, a lovely boy, and making mix cd's over and over again.

I'm leaving in about 6 weeks for a longggg loooonnnggg time (i don't want to say forever, but who knows...) starting out teaching english in korea and who knows what else...i say we all relocate to Thailand. I think that nash should move with me because how many expats live there? thousands! And they have no one to cut their hair!!!!!!!

I have to go change and run to work.
loves ya.

drunk.
at bistro.
again. but it's ok. isn't it?
and boys. two to be exact. but one kind of had fingernails...

what am i talking about? i wish i knew.

anyway. boys. i guess. seeing a. outside of that other bar. i have a crush. this is good.

nitey nite.

maybe i should stop writing in bullet form...or just expand a little, but being cryptic could be hot..no?

so...gospel sundays at the cloak and dagger and soo much fun, and you know what else is fun, flirting with people on myspace and friendster (but once again i bet that will only last till i go out on one date with some random and then swear never ever to do it again...)

it's amazing outside today and im about to venture back out into it so very soon. i walked around the market which is fun when you are not working, but not so much fun when you bump into people you do not want to see - and actually there are more then a few of them, but only one that makes me feel like a piece of poo...but anyway! it's may now. and may is going to be great.

i've already decided it.

gospel sunday.
oh how great you are.
and how great it's been going - for the last two days anyway.

how i love my lovers.

i don't want to interact with you tomorrow, it takes me back two steps.

but tonight, fantasticasimacal.

and an email.

and the end.

hurts. like everything else. but not so much sometimes. montreal messed with my head, especially when i messed around with two girls and ended up crying and blowing my nose into one of their shirts.

im glad the boys and here, but going out last night was hard and seeing the world again was hard and then s. came. and my heart stopped. and of course our conversation turned to b. and i wished it had all been makeouts in the alleyway with this little piece of amazingness.

crying like a banshee does not help make you feel better. even when it's on your bike and your scaring other bikers. that should make you feel sort of better, but it makes you feel worse.

so instead think of montreal tomorrow (please gods don't let me bump into him while im there, because for some reason we both made plans to go to montreal this weekend), make mix cd's a plenty with lots of gravy train!!! on them, think of how short of a time we were actually together and how i don't even remember his face.

what the fuck is wrong with me head.

i drempt about you last night, but i was cheating on you, with you. oh god why do people even care about what they dream about or care to share the stupid bullshit that doesn't make any sense.

but nash (god i just wrote tasah...mahahahah) i also drempt about you, while awake, for hours missing your sweetness.

i worte me on purpose. not my. just me.

i decided that i should do it.... post i mean.

hi. how are you?.

im tired. and sick. sort of. i've been sick for at least a month, with this cough cough coughing deep down in the lungs and funny wheezy breathing, which if you know me is part of how i laugh anyway, but when im just breathing it's not so nice. and i'm seeing this boy, a cheese boy (you know, bakery girls/cheese boys), and i think that i'm smitten. or know it. or am too scared to admit it, half the time anyway. this is another reason why i am tired. i've never really had a relationship with a boy, or a boyfriend, or dated a boy. which i guess is what's happening. strange. it's hard to pull out vibrators with a straight boy sometimes, when you have only done it with the girls or the queer boys or whatever.....

i'm also having some really weird issues interacting with his (straight)male friends. whom seem to a)be really strange and sexual with me or b)belligerent towards me. and i really really don't understand this. nicole said it was because they may be intimidated by me or something - i am definitely not like most of the girls they interact with / date. ugh.

so i don't really know where i'm going with this post. maybe i will have a nap and practice my flute and then go watch the porn and get paid 50 dollars (by the way if there are any lesbos out there who want to watch porn for the center of mental health and get paid 50 dollars to do so contact me...)

god speed.

So... what's everyone doing tomorrow night? (tomorrow being Saturday)
coming to our house maybe? to party with us and have fun times???
oh yes, we are having a party... and you should all come...

the addy is 437 bathurst (just south of college on the east side of bathurst)

yesterday: adam jones and i are spooning and the rain is drip drip drippin all over the red brick wall. fur balls lost underneath the blankets and it's just too cold to get out of bed. my old lady cat is an old 14 and i worry.

today: gem and i are spooning and the sun is sunning my face. i wish this meant what i want it to. but i don't think it does. oh cryptic messages and weather and emotions.